I did not know how to manage such Explosion ,noise , and sorrows in my life now days I am   just  spinning around .. can't  sleep or eat  i am freeze and  my life is falling apart .. after all two things i have to keep always in mind first thanks to Allah it could be worse , second that is all my faults  .I am trying to overtake this tragedy but I can't it needs more than forgiveness It needs strength that I don't posses now redirection after 10 years is not a simple thing to do they are some guys will suffer over there ..that is means I have to live same as i am and gain the same pain every moment  ohh Allah please help me and give me the strength!!! . today I am 40 years  I could not imagine it is going to be a Stormy birthday it is  a big tragedy when I am promoted in my career  and i feel so down like that  I remember them at office today  coming to congratulate me  he he  every body around me thinks I am happy .. they don't know how blue I was  ..  I was almost crying at my car in the way back to home . but it seems i have to wear  a playboy and live like that in order to get rid of that awful feeling..I am confused tired and unbalanced .. but days goes  sun never late what ever happened !!!